Stumbling Into Place

14 weeks ago today, I stumbled in my living room and ripped my hamstring clean off my hip.  Little could I imagine at the time how that unforeseen stumble would shape the next few months.  I returned to work 2 weeks ago to a new workplace completely different from any job I have ever had as a nurse.  I am pleased to say that after completing my first 2 weeks as a nurse case manager, I feel I have "stumbled" into the a wonderful work environment with collaborative and dynamic teams that permeate a culture of mutual respect.   It may be generous to say I am grateful for my injury, but without it, I don't know if my eyes would have opened so readily to this new opportunity for change.

Rehab at the bike/desk on my lunch break!

     This was not just any job change for me.  I found tremendous joy working as a Labor & Delivery nurse.  When I looked down the barrel of my post-surgical recovery, making the choice to leave was not an easy one; it was the result of countless hours weighing the values of joy, family, balance, health, recovery, and finances.  Believe me, I had countless hours on the couch, especially those first 6 weeks, to think about it!

     So here I am; a full-time working mom, juggling day care for a toddler and summer vacation for a 6 year old.  It is not easy, but it is a hell of a lot easier than running after a toddler after ripping off your hamstring!  When Michelle made me a mom almost 7 years ago, I felt a strong sense of duty that I, and not someone else, should raise and care for my child.  Why would I pay someone else to raise my child? And then Emily came 15 months ago and things got a bit more complicated. And then came the hamstring avulsion and things got a LOT more complicated.  Now I am the mother I thought I would never be: I go to work to make the money to pay other people to watch my children.

    But here is where my values have not changed. Even before the injury I was losing it.  Losing my shit. So burned out with the day to day grind of motherhood that I was not parenting anymore, at least not the way I envisioned.  I had over scheduled my kids, running around town as an under-paid chauffeur, short-tempered and reactionary. I had one day a week at work to enjoy stimulating adult interaction but was so exhausted at the end of 14 hours that I had nothing left for the girls...or my husband Barry for that matter.  When the injury happened and I could no longer run, chase, squat, drive, or actively play with my girls, something had to change.  It hit me.  Maybe, just maybe, if I work an 8-5 job and find daycare for Emily and after-school care for Michelle, I will actually be more available emotionally to my family and a more effective parent.  

    Ripping off my hamstring helped me realize that it is okay to recruit other people to help you with your children.  It is fair and equitable to pay someone to help you with your children if fulfilling your career goals makes you a more patient and effective parent.  Though it is heart-breaking to hear Emily's sad cry when I drop her off at day-care, I am happier and more patient with her sweet cheeks and toddler tantrums when I pick her up at the end of the day.  Michelle and Barry get a mom/wife who is not so quick tempered since she has been participating in meaningful and fulfilling grown-up work during the day.  Oh...and then there is the pay-check.  I'd say it's a win-win.

     I have 2 great perks with my job in regards to rehabilitating my injury: my office is next door to the orthopedic center where I have PT once a week, and we have a mini-gym at the office complete with treadmill /bicycle desks! Sitting longer than 30 minutes is still challenging for me, but our computers are adjustable so I can pop up to stand and still continue working effectively.  Stumbling in my living room has resulted in so many positive changes, it is hard not be a little bit grateful for the temporary set-back and inconvenience of it all.

Who knew? I'm a cubicle nurse!

     

10 Weeks, I See a Light!

I see the light (in Wyoming)

     Post-op protocols vary wildly for hamstring avulsion.  From brace vs no brace, early weight bearing vs later, early PT vs late PT, instructions are all over the map.  I have adhered to my surgeon's protocol diligently and as of last Friday, my surgeon felt I had exceeded expectations for healing and gait function.  I would say my protocol tends toward the conservative side, and for good reason.  Tendons and ligaments are slow healers without a lot of blood vessels to feed the healing.  Working a muscle before the tendon is ready to bear the load has a high potential for re-injury, or injuring other supporting muscle groups that are forced to compensate when the affected muscle/tendon group is not ready to play.  I am not terribly competitive by nature, but I admit extreme satisfaction to be told I was ahead of the curve!
     Over the past 4 weeks, I am astonished at how much my range of motion has improved. 4 weeks ago I was unable to flex my hip enough for the recumbent bicycle.  Today, I rode on the upright stationary bicycle for 20 minutes.  4 weeks ago, I could barely flex my left knee past 90 degrees.  Today, I sustained a comfortable "childs pose".  The scar tissue "tightness" I felt at 6 weeks is virtually gone today.

Emily slept, I hiked!

     Admittedly, I probably pushed harder than I should have over the weekend. We were in one of my favorite places near the headwaters of the Green River in Wyoming and I felt great.  I weathered the 4 1/2 hour drive with minimal discomfort and found walking on the dirt roads easy.  Barry was carrying Emily in a framed baby backpack carrier and Emily was a huge fan.  Emily has always slept well while being worn, and was badly in need of a nap. Since I felt so good, I popped 25 pound Emily into the pack and Barry helped her onto my back for about a 1 1/2 mile hike on a dirt road. It worked.  She slept, and I hiked...without pain.  I imagine that by  the fall, my favorite time to hike in Utah, I will be back to many of my favorite local day hikes that feed my soul. I was shocked at how strong I felt, but nervous because this is when I know I could overdo it and have a set back. 
    To get busy learning how to NOT overdo it while gradually strengthening my legs appropriately, I had my first Physical Therapy treatment today. Overall, PT went well.  I was able to perform all the exercises but was shocked at how weak my hips actually are.  After hiking with Emily on my back, I thought I was totally killing it.  But today, I could feel my legs shaking just doing simple bridging and hip strengthening.  My PT, Robby, was great.  Though he was not very familiar with my rare injury,  his skillful knowledge of healing tendons put me on a plan of treatment to gradually strengthen while protecting the repair.  Many people have been telling me how "great" my walking looks, so it was the reality check I needed for Robby to point out that my gait is still a "little wonky looking".  Oh yes, we have some fine work to do!
     There have been times I wished, mostly out of my own impatience, that I was on a more aggressive protocol.  But after my small hike this weekend, improved functional range of motion, and my PT session today, I am certain that I have been doing the right thing for my body.  As a recreational athlete, there is no race for me to win.  Only the intrinsic joy of moving my body through the activities I love.  A slower pace may actually be the key to winning my race.